I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
