Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
