I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
