If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
