i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
