Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
