My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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