please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
