I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I died a long time ago.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
