I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im six kinds of drunk right now
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
