he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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