Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just threw up on my dentist
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning