I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have already put on my inside pants.