life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just tell him i said nine months
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party