Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I touched a dick in church today
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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