capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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