just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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