I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
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Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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