A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
