After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You took a bar mat shot.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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