You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
