Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
