i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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