I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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