It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
