when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This is the high leading the old right now
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
