he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...