My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
