I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
