I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF