Texts From Last Night

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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
  Replies (47) Good night (5248) Bad night (1114)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls

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  (305): I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls http://tfl.nu/u8nd
  Replies (96) Good night (7078) Bad night (1040)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie

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  (520): I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie http://tfl.nu/225r
  Replies (39) Good night (7576) Bad night (1673)
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  (518): View more from New York

  she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.

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  (518): she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going. http://tfl.nu/q9ws
  Replies (16) Good night (1598) Bad night (6941)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

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  (941): I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch. http://tfl.nu/0s5t
  Replies (16) Good night (3063) Bad night (1320)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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  (902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw
  Replies (15) Good night (2589) Bad night (1120)
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  (442): View more from California

  While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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  (442): While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage. http://tfl.nu/yi73
  Replies (74) Good night (1494) Bad night (5495)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.

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  (336): But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob. http://tfl.nu/czfm
  Replies (10) Good night (2136) Bad night (752)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.

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  (405): I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities. http://tfl.nu/i4vg
  Replies (7) Good night (782) Bad night (643)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-

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  (910): before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_- http://tfl.nu/01p5
  Replies (2) Good night (1086) Bad night (499)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.

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  (215): It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater. http://tfl.nu/563x
  Replies (5) Good night (492) Bad night (1441)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days

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  (604): Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days (1-604): Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days http://tfl.nu/vv75
  Replies (2) Good night (820) Bad night (438)
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.

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  (623): There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence. http://tfl.nu/2ktx
  Replies (2) Good night (945) Bad night (358)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica

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  (928): So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica http://tfl.nu/ah6v
  Replies (2) Good night (545) Bad night (370)
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt

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  (972): Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt http://tfl.nu/6r1m
  Replies (1) Good night (508) Bad night (318)

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