you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
