you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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