I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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