my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
