So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
