I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
