Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
