thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
