There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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