News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
