You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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