Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
