So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
