matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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