I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
