just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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