getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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