I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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