Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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