Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
