I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
