you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
