I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's official drugs can't kill me
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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