I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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