oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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