I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
