Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
